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This is the era of super sex, they say. Steamy how-to-sex manuals dictate terms in the bedroom. Trends like group dating and cyber sex are all the rage. But at the same time, one cannot overlook the breed of men and women who coil up in a corner nibbling at the bed sheet in utter panic while it comes to shedding their clothes. Though our notion of sex and physicality has switched dramatically towards a far more liberated path, this is a problem suffered by many in silence. Known as sex phobia or genophobia, it affects women more than men, say experts in the field. However, the reason of fear varies from person to person. We help you recognize some of your own fears and tackle them successfully.
Fear of pain
Practise Kegel exercises to ease vaginismus, that leads to painful sex. Shutterstock[/caption]
Sex can be a repulsively painful experience if you suffer from a condition called vaginismus. In this condition, the vaginal muscles contract on their own when penetration is attempted, making intercourse a nightmare. Several studies have associated vaginismus with fear of sexual intimacy. Though no definitive cause behind vaginismus has been established yet, general pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) is suspected to be one of the causes. PID refers to the infection of a woman's reproductive organs like the fallopian tubes, ovaries, uterus, etc. Insufficient lubrication due to lack of foreplay, certain medications and allergies could also be the culprit.
Combat Plan: Practise Kegel exercises to battle vaginismus. These workouts will strengthen your pelvic floor muscles which regulate your vagina, rectum and bladder. The muscles that you use to stop the flow while urinating are your pelvic floor muscles. Contract and relax them up to the count of 10 and repeat the cycle thrice a day. Ask your partner to engage in long foreplay sessions to ensure lubrication. Practising mindfulness may also help.
History of sexual trauma
Childhood sexual abuse (CSA) can trigger post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and can negatively impact the way you view physical intimacy or sex. "CSA leaves lasting scars on an individual's psyche because the abuse happens at an age where there's no concept of sex and is usually perpetrated by people the child knows and trusts. So, along with the physical aspect, the ability to be psychologically intimate also takes a beating," says Prachi S Vaish, founder of HopeNetwork.in, an online psychological services portal. All these may lead to fear of sex.
Combat Plan: Talk to your partner well in advance about your fears and the trigger behind them. "Make it clear to your partner that you need the cushion of emotional intimacy before any sort of physical intimacy," says Vaish. "Since a person who has a history of sexual trauma harbours a lot of shame and guilt, her partner needs to make her comfortable and proud of her body," adds Vaish. She also suggests that for a CSA victim, trauma therapy is a must if she wants to a lead healthy intimate relationship. "A person suffering from sex phobia due to CSA must never be made to feel like she is scared of something 'normal' because for her, it's not normal," she says.
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Not sure if you can pleasure your partner on bed? Shed your inhibitions. Shutterstock[/caption]
Some people, especially those who are less experienced in sex, are scared that they will not be able to satisfy their partners. This is known as performance anxiety which may lead to genophobia. "In women, performance anxiety mainly stems from the fact that they are unaware of what to do or how to actually enjoy themselves in the bedroom. This results from their lack of exposure to sex-related information. Also, sometimes they feel that they are the means for male pleasure and aren't aware that they can and should be pleasured too," says Vaish. Therefore, it is but natural for them to develop a resistance towards sex. "With men the issue is different. Pornography gives them a very distorted idea of what sexual prowess is and they think that they will only be able to satisfy a woman if they fall into the parameters set by those movies. So they get extremely self conscious and end up being phobic of sex," says Vaish.
Combat Plan: First and foremost, you need to get rid of your sexual performance stereotypes. "Take the time to get to know each other's bodies. Just spend time touching, caressing and kissing various parts of the body. Focus on how each touch feels. Don't make orgasm the goal. The goal is pleasure," suggests Vaish. Tell yourself that there is no race or rush and you will see that the climax is effortlessly beautiful.
Socio-cultural conditioning
Sex is ingrained in us as 'dirty' by our society at a very tender age. Moreover, kids these days are introduced to the 'S' world through porn sites and MMS clips. So, it is but too natural that any sexual activity brings in a sense of guilt and filth to many when they grow up.
Combat Plan: Make efforts to associate some sort of aesthetics with sex. Sending erotic pictures to each other and sexting also work wonders to remove mental blocks. "If someone reacts with disgust towards something erotic, the other should open a dialogue about what he/she finds repulsive and analyse the attitude. It is good to discuss a more comfortable level of experimentation that suits both," says Vaish.
Body shame
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Uncomfortable with your body? Try to to find out the reason. Shutterstock[/caption]
Love it or loathe it, we all have our share of insecurities about our bodies. It could be anything from that extra kilo you gained or the odd mark on your neckline.
Combat Plan: First you need to figure out which aspect of your body you are uncomfortable with. Talk it out with your partner and help him/her help you. If the source of the shame is your low self-esteem, consult a counsellor or go for personality grooming classes.
Apprehension of an unwanted pregnancy or STI
This is another common cause behind sex phobia. However, chances are very less for a condom to break and lead to an infection or unwanted pregnancy. This shouldn't hinder you from enjoying your bedroom romp.
Combat Plan: Use condoms from trusted brands. The condom may break if there isn't sufficient lubrication. So, it's good to apply a little bit of lubricant on the inside tip. Take it off carefully immediately after you are done. Make sure the sperm stays within the condom while you are pulling it off.
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