Are you in a dependent-narcissistic relationship?

When a person with a dependent or a codependent personality enters into a relationship with a narcissist, it can mean bad news.

Sandhya Raghavan | Updated: January 19, 2017 3:30 pm

Compatibility is the cornerstone of every relationship without which, the relationship may not last too long. Many people may have to go through a series of failed relationships to eventually find a partner that he or she is compatible with. However, sometimes people with different or conflicting personality types stay trapped in a relationship together without realising that they are destroying each other in the process. One such dangerous combination is that of a dependent or a codependent personality with a narcissistic personality. Leading psychologist Dr Sanjoy Mukerji weighs in with his analysis on how this pair is a disaster waiting to happen.

Who is a codependent?

People with codependent personality have an inherent need to please and are submissive. They are usually very giving by nature and have a long-standing fear of being abandoned. Their decisions are dictated by their low self esteem and they are unable to make any decisions by themselves. “They suffer from insecurity in the relationship and otherwise,” says Dr Mukerji.

Who is a narcissist?

A narcissist is someone who has an inflated sense of self, constant need for admiration and zero empathy. “They can spend hours admiring themselves in the mirror and pay a lot of attention towards their outwards appearance,” states Dr Mukherji. But behind their seemingly high sense of self esteem lies a fragile ego that can be easily bruised.

How does the relationship between a codependent and a narcissist work?

In a sinister way, their relationship is perfect. The narcissist loves control and the codependent relinquishes control. The narcissist loves admiration and the codependent loves to give. “On the outset, it looks like the relationship is working. But both parties do not grow internally,” says Dr Mukherji. He goes on to list down the typical features of a dependent-narcissist relationship.

Having insecurities: The relationship will be marked by insecurity on the dependent’s part since the narcissist projects himself or herself as superior to the partner. “Even if the dependent is better looking or is more successful than the narcissist, he or she will always have self doubt,” says the doctor.
Being loyal to each other: The dependent person is usually more loyal in the relationship. The narcissist is more self-serving and is prone to be unfaithful in the relationship. “However, if the dependent finds a person who shows them affection without any sexual overtures, he or she is likely to indulge in an affair with them. But it is likely that they will stop all contact with the person due to the guilt,” says the Dr Mukherji.
Bringing up children: The dependent personality is frustrated by having to be the giving one in the relationship and may harbour feelings of bitterness and anger. Since they cannot deal with the narcissist for the fear of angering them, they take out their frustration on the children. They may also feel guilty about hurting them and shower them with affection later. These children end up confusing love with abuse and are destined to repeat the patterns of their parents. “The worst thing that dependants end up doing is that they teach their children it is ok to comply with abuse,” says the doctor emphatically.

If you see these signs in your present relationship, it is time to evaluate your choices and break the cycle of abuse.

Image source: Shutterstock

Published: January 16, 2017 12:43 pm | Updated:January 19, 2017 3:30 pm

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