Emotional infidelity: How you can spot it and move on

It's a sure shot red flag if your spouse frequently reaches out to one particular person through texts and phone calls and more so, during unearthly hours. © Shutterstock

Conventionally speaking, infidelity has always been associated with sex. However, cheating doesn’t necessarily have to be all about having sex with someone else than your partner. Your better half could be cheating on you even if he or she is having an emotional affair with someone else, sans a physical relationship.

When your partner is more emotionally invested in a friend than you, he or she is probably having an emotional affair. In an emotional affair, your spouse will be keen on spending more time with the ‘other’ girl or ‘guy’ than you and want to share more intimate information with him or her. Most of the times these start as innocuous friendships and in many cases they don’t even develop into sexual relationships. But emotional cheating may hurt you more than physical infidelity. “Physical infidelity can be rationalised by the hurt partner as a temporary or one-time act of impulse. But an emotional affair reflects a closer bond that looks like love and may last forever. This may hurt the cheated partner more making him or her feeling severely insecure,” says Lucknow-based psychologist Prachi S. Vaish.

That is why a relationship that has gone through emotional infidelity is more tough to mend than the one that has suffered the onslaught of sexual cheating.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY

Sometimes, the line between a close healthy friendship and an emotional affair blurs. It may get a tad tricky to separate one from the other. In some cases, even the people involved in such a relationship may not be aware of it as their intention was friendship, or simply knowing a new person who they found interesting. But it is important to tell the difference between the two. Here are some telltale signs that will tell you if your partner is slipping away from you, emotionally.

She is always busy with her phone

It’s okay for your partner to check mails and messages when she is with you. But checking an email or an old friend’s WhatsApp message looks different from waiting for the message of someone you are interested in. The difference becomes explicit in the urge and frequency of checking the phone. It’s a sure shot red flag if your spouse frequently reaches out to one particular person through texts and phone calls and more so, during unearthly hours.

He has become secretive

Does your partner become irritated these days if you reach out for his phone to check the time? Does he avoid leaving his phone in the room even while going to the washroom? Well, these could be signs that he is trying to hide something from you. Well, you might be aware of your spouse’s new female friend and the recent bond they have developed. But if he is hiding the extent of his closeness with her, then he is probably cheating on you emotionally. If you notice that he is avoiding the topic of this newfound friend or find out that he is denying meetings or conversations with her, have a clear conversation with your partner.

She remains distracted

Picture this: You are sitting close and having a nice conversation. You suddenly see her zoned out. A peek into her eyes says that she is not here. Does this happen quite often? Chances are, she is getting distracted by the thought of her newfound friend and the ‘other’ life she spends with him. This could be an involuntary action which your partner isn’t even aware of. But the fact that the thought of someone else keeps crossing her mind even when she is spending time with you could be a sign of emotional infidelity.

He avoids physical intimacy

This is an obvious sign that your partner is emotionally detached from you. If you notice that he hugs and kisses you less frequently than before, has stopped initiating sex or avoids holding your hand, then there is definitely something to worry about. Avoiding tactile communication is, in many cases, a sign of emotional withdrawal.

She compares you with this ‘other’ guy frequently

It’s unfair to pit one human being against another under any circumstance. But comparison becomes an almost irresistible urge when your partner finds someone else more interesting or attractive than you. She may suddenly become excessively critical of you and even feel disgusted if you don’t do things like the ‘other’ guy. In a nutshell, it can be said that if your spouse is cheating on you emotionally (consciously or unconsciously), you may become lacklustre in her eyes all of a sudden while everything about her new ‘friend’ may start seeming extraordinary. However, the reality could well be that there is nothing extraordinary about him. The impossibility of having the ‘other’ person in her life forever is probably giving your partner a rose-tinted vision about him.

He has stopped sharing things that he used to

Does your partner give you a cold reaction when you ask, “How was your day?” Is his answer limited to, “It was so-so” or “Not so great?” Well, if he used to be the kind of guy who would share each and every detail of his work day with you, then this sudden change (if it’s not triggered by any fight or cold war with you) could be a signal that he has found someone else to discuss his day with. Also, watch out if he generally starts texting someone after having these cold, formal one or two-line conversations with you.

She sidelines you

When your spouse or partner develops an abnormally close bonding with a new person, she will be keen on spending one-to-one time with him. She may also look for ways to spend more time with him and avoid introducing him to you. The excuse could be, “I have a personal space with my friends and I don’t want you to intrude into that space.” Well, it is okay for a partner to keep her friends exclusive and have a separate space with them, but if it hasn’t been like this from the start, then take hint from this deviation.

He accuses you of wanting to break up quite often

If you see that you are having spats with your partner more frequently than before and the reasons are not worth a fight, don’t ignore the pattern. Also, he may blame you of cheating or trying to find an excuse to break up in the course of these fights. These could be signs that he is wanting to put the guns on your shoulder and looking for an easy escape route.

She has more time for him than you

Does your partner spend more time with her new friend outside than you at home? Does she cancel a dinner date with you to attend his housewarming party? If these things keep happening for a long period of time, then they could be the potential signs of emotional cheating. Frequent incidents like these reflect that your partner prioritises the new friend more than you.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE WITH A CHEATING PARTNER?

Well, that’s a tough call. There is no blanket theory to arrive at the conclusion in such cases as everyone’s situation and equation is different. However, before deciding to give your relationship another shot, ask one question to yourself, “Will I be able to have faith in my partner again even if he/she doesn’t break my trust again?” This question is important because after a cheating incident, the cheated partner finds it almost impossible to trust even if there is no reason to disbelieve. If this continues, then the relationship will not last anyway. So the effort to revive it will feel like a wasted effort at the end. But don’t rush for the answer. Mull over this question for a while and if the answer is ‘yes’, then go ahead. However, before taking this important call, you need to take a few crucial steps.

Find the root

Have a heart to heart with the cheating partner. Try find out why it started at all. “Don’t go on the tangent of, ‘Why wasn’t I enough?’ In a lot of cases it has nothing to do with the committed partner. Also, try to understand the nature of relationship with the ‘other’ partner,” says Vaish. If you want your relationship to survive the onslaught of emotional infidelity, both of you need to figure out what this extramarital affair says about you as a couple. You can do it privately at home or in front of a relationship counsellor. “Seeing a therapist will not only provide the hurt partner a safe outlet for emotional turmoil, it would also provide an opportunity to both to put forth their points without getting caught up in a vicious emotional cycle,” she adds.

Be nice while you talk

Make sure that it’s a conversation, not a confrontation. Start on a positive note, stating the intent behind this conversation. Then direct the discussion towards what you are concerned about and your desire to work around it and move on. This approach will help the cheating partner open up to you.

Set boundaries

All relationships have a their own set of dos and don’ts. You must also have had them in the past. But it is important to revisit those ground rules at this stage of your relationship, and revise them with necessary additions and subtractions. The new ground rules should focus on spending more quality time together, ways to build back confidence and trust, attending therapies together, so on and so forth.

Give your grief some time

You won’t be able to move on in a few days, weeks or even months. But it will happen. “Don’t poison your relationship with accusations and mean comments. Fight it together. If you really want to move forward, then remind yourselves that you’re on the same team. Have deep conversations without spewing toxicity,” says Vaish.

THE DECISION TO CALL IT QUITS

If the cheating partner admits that he or she feels that the original relationship is dead, it would be a good idea to bow out gracefully. “If there are kids or other factors involved and leaving is not possible, then other marital scenarios like an open marriage or a co-parenting arrangement can be explored with the help of a therapist,” says Vaish. Also, if the cheating partner makes certain promises about stopping certain hurtful behaviours to gain your trust but you find a mismatch in words and actions, then it might be time to reconsider. “This is especially relevant in the case of serial cheaters,” she adds.

Published: March 28, 2019 9:49 pm

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