Phases of dining out with toddlers

Every toddler parent who attempts to eat out has to go through this.

As a parent of a toddler, the bravest decision you will take is to go and eat at a restaurant. No, the bravest decision will be to attempt going shopping with your toddler when a store is running a sale, but going to eat at a restaurant comes a close second. Even though you are quite used to the tribal ways of your toddler (the war-cry like screams, mumbling mumbo-jumbos, having secret hideouts inside your house, etc.) nothing, and I mean nothing prepares you for the way your child will embarrass you when you step out to have a family meal. Because -- when going out with a toddler, you aren't a family. You are servants of choice who have to keep the master (toddler) safe and entertained. Up for the task? Great. Now that you are off and away, here's what's going to happen during your meal, which you will leave unfinished.

• Attack the salad/ I have never seen carrots before: The moment the waiter gets your complimentary plate of salad, your toddler will attack it with a vengeance.
• Drop EVERYTHING on the floor, especially all the cutlery: Too late, you should have shifted the cutlery, bottles of sauces and the menu BEFORE you got your child at the table.
• Shaking the salt and pepper is a new sport: Your toddler will set new records in emptying the salt and pepper jars in the shortest time.
• Why are the tissues all so neatly placed?: Your child has to give his own aesthetic touch to the decor by carefully placing tissue papers on the table and floor.
• Food is here, time for potty: Be prepared for the stinkbomb of your life.
• Pasta? Why would you feed me that? Even if your tot literally scrapes her plate of pasta at home, at a restaurant she'll look at it as if you are feeding her live slugs.
• I need to scream my lungs out: Didn't inform the fellow diners that a toddler will be joining them today. Worry not, your toddler's got you. She'll announce her arrival with the loudest scream. Earplugs will come in handy.
• One hand is not enough to eat: And then she will proceed to wipe her hands on her shirt.
• Need to kick the shoes off to the farthest corner: Fancy crawling on the restaurant floor? Take it as boot camp training.
• The high chair is trying to eat me: Why would you want your child to sit in a chair that is clearly a monster in disguise?
• Waiter carrying glassware? Collision mode ON: And once the child is out of the chair, she will run into the nearest waiter.
• Why are we leaving so soon? I have barely eaten: And just when you decide to leave before the hotel staff asks you to, your child will act all famished, asking for food.

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