Sukriti Shahi
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Written By: Sukriti Shahi | Published : November 6, 2019 11:52 AM IST
It's a knack to deal with a stubborn child and it's called smart parenting.
There are some kids who are built to be defiant, isn't it? Stubborn child leaves his parents in a helpless situation most of the times. They fail to understand how to get their child to follow the command or least, understand what's right. If you have a stubborn child, you know how true it is. Bottom line is, stubborn kid always wants to the boss and so do you but two bosses in house is an impossible situation!
Rather than fighting, yelling or pleading with your child, you have to opt for smart parenting. The idea is to approach your child sideways because straight ways will not work with him. Smart parenting doesn't mean you have to manipulative with your child, it just means being creative in your approach. This will help you to get done what you think is right for the child. However, while being smart, remember to never lose patience or be disrespectful to your child. Here's how you can handle a strong-willed child.
If you sit to analyse the thought process of stubborn child, it's really simple. He wants nothing but just little authority and control, at least over his life decisions. Till a certain age, you may think it's inappropriate to leave to decision to your child. Even then, there's no harm asking them their opinion, or their choices. While you may or may not accept everything, at least it makes them feel important to be considered. In fact, before they start with their defiance over an issue, consider giving them choices in order to get them to do what you want. It will make them feel that they have taken the decision and not you.
For kids as young as three to four years, challenges in a form a game help to bring them out of their defiant mode. For instance, ask your child that you'd want to see how many toys he can put in his toy sack in 10 minutes. You can also ask him to beat his own best score by doing better. A good behaviour sticker or a harmless privilege may encourage them further. However, don't make privileges a habit, good behaviour is a norm, not a special attribute. The idea is only to make them learn to follow you.
Ask them if they can be your special assistant for the day and help you with work? This will make them learn to share and take responsibilities with little more importance. You can also tell him his positives, like you are good at cleaning the garden, will you help me. Rather than being a defiant, this make them happy to pitch in. So, playing a helper card may work in your favour.
Be firm but not authoritative. Rather than threatening them or picking up fights with them regarding what they should have done or didn't do, be encouraging with your words. It's not a rocket-science, just a 'smart' arrangement of words. For instance, rather than saying we will not go unless you finish your homework, say we'll be going for a stroll once you are done with your work. If he insists, don't get irritated and instead say, 'that's what I want to do as soon as you are done with your work.' If he says that he can do the homework after coming back home, convince him that 'this way he might get less time to spend outside.'
It's not necessary that your child is always stubborn, he might be determined. Understand that being determined is being focused towards a purpose and being stubborn is refusing to change the behaviour or a characteristic. If he insists he wants to finish forming his Lego, he might just be determined to see the result. You cannot confuse it with stubbornness. You may want to help him to complete the task in time but he's not doing anything wrong to be punished or stopped. Also, understand that strong-willed children are highly intelligent and creative. Therefore, they may just be result-oriented. Don't confuse that trait with stubbornness.
While arguing with a stubborn child seems like one of the easiest ways to handle the situation, repercussions could be negative. Arguing with him may make him more rebellious. He will do exactly what he's being asked not to because that's his dominating characteristic. You need to build a connection. For instance, rather than telling him to stop playing and do his homework, opt for a reverse psychology. Invest some time in playing with him and then ask if he wants to do his work while you do your given from office. Or if he wants to read his book while you read yours. The idea is to develop a bond.
It's difficult for a stubborn child to refusal outrightly. While you may have strong reasons for it, he will only see it as refusal. You have to learn to negotiate. If you promised to take him outside but unable to for a genuine reason, explain what the reason is and why it's important. Your child needs to understand that you consider him old enough to understand and support you. Negotiate with him for his choices. If he insists on eating two candies, ask him if he can choose one for lunch and one dinner. This way he will get to eat twice and enjoy it more.
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