International Day for Girl Child: Raising a daughter in the era of sexting and honour killing

On the occasion of International Day for Girl Child we thought it was apt to talk about how society is affecting a girl child's mind set and making parenting challenging. It is not just the #MeToo movement but sympathy towards child sexual abusers, the gender discrimination, cyber-bullying, body shaming – all this, of course, makes it clear that parenting and empowering a girl child in today’s time is not easy.

By: Debjani Arora | | Updated: October 11, 2018 4:21 pm

Sympathy towards sexual abusers, #MeToo, body shaming, cyber bullying -- don't these things make you scared as a parent? © Shutterstock

Being a mother, especially to a daughter in today’s day and age is a little unsettling, a bit unnerving and for obvious reasons. For the past few days, while reading the #MeToo stories, the ordeal the victims had to go through, the trauma and the distress they faced for years, the scars that they will carry lifelong (of course, we all have our own version of #MeToo) made me question one thing over and over again – Will I, with all the privileges, opportunities, a safe and secure environment that I am creating for my child, be able to empower her to face the odds and fight her own battles the right way? On this International Day for Girl Child this question is pressing me really hard. The society that is generally apologetic towards men and judgemental towards women has already made me a wary parent. And the surrounding circumstances have done everything to fuel the fear.

Well, it is not just the #MeToo movement that is making me an agitated and worried parent but every aspect of the society that makes me concerned about bringing up my daughter in this modern and yet patriarchal era. The sympathy towards child sexual abusers, the gender discrimination (in the same era where women are being promoted as cabinet ministers, travelling to space, female infanticide is still rampant), cyber-bullying, body shaming – all these, of course, make it clear that parenting and empowering a girl child in today’s time is not easy.

Baffling is the fact that we are living in a time where access to technology has made it easier to sextext but misogyny has made sure that casteism rules and if girls do anything that lowers the dignity of their community (read chooses a partner outside their religion/caste/creed) will have to pay the price by either sacrificing their life or witnessing how mercilessly their spouse or partner is killed to keep the integrity of her community intact. In such circumstances what kind of example is the society setting to empower daughters? No, it is not just a parent’s job to bring up the girl child the right way, it is society’s responsibility as well to ensure we help the next generation be better, stronger and abide righteousness. Oh, yes that is still a distant dream; whoever said it takes a village to raise a child, damn you!

But you cannot give up, right? As a parent your job is to empower your child, particularly your girl child who will be facing the society’s harsh prejudice in every step of her life. So, yes while we cry and crib about the society’s misdoing, we still have a job at hand: To give our daughters the right direction. Here I am sharing my two cents on the same:

Make your daughter conscious about good touch and bad touch: I am not saying that child sexual abuse is gender specific. Like you, I am quite aware that even young boys are sexually assaulted and sodomised. But since we are talking about girl child now, let me tell you that the first step you should take to help your child counter attack a sexual predator in the tracks is by making her aware of the good touch and bad touch. Once sexuality educator Niyatii Shah told me that kids are not even aware that they are sexually abused because we have not helped them increase their vocabulary in that particular subject. “An abused child might say it is paining, I don’t like it or I am scared. But fails to say where it hurts the most. This is because we never name the genitals for her properly while teaching her body parts, as even today mothers think it is a taboo. So she never understands that she is touched the wrong way and the innocent child is scarred forever,” she says. So, help your child know all the body parts including the genitals and tell her why being touched by anyone on those parts is bad.

Age-factor: You can start training your daughter about good and bad touch right from the time she is able to make sense of body parts (approximately 18 months) and continue the lessons in toddler and till early childhood. You need to start early and keep enforcing the lessons time and again.

Keep her away from gender conditioning: I am not sure if you know it or not, gender conditioning starts at home. I don’t mean to say that we do it deliberately but we are conditioned to do this – pink for girls, blue for boys, cars for boys, dolls for girls. This conditioning has been passed on from generation to generation without questioning it. Somewhere we have to break this vicious cycle of gender conditioning. Start now. Let her be her. If she dislikes pink let her pick her own colour, if she wants to play with cars let her do. The more you provide a gender-neutral atmosphere at home the more likely is she to grow up to be a person who can voice her own opinions without fear, right the wrong and move ahead in life zealously without doubting her own capabilities.

Age factor: Do it from the very beginning. Start gender-neutral parenting right after birth.

Make your daughter aware of the diverse gender identities: Before you make her aware of this, accept different gender orientations yourself. On 6th September 2018, the Supreme Court came out with its landmark decision to decriminalise section 377 of the Indian Penal Code (IPC) which criminalises homosexuality. The court has finally said that consensual adult gay sex is not a crime and sexual orientation is natural and people have no control over it. So, no matter what your personal opinions are, leave them aside and help your girl learn and accept people with different gender orientations wholeheartedly. The generation next, is going to be a diverse one when we talk about people and orientation so help her accept things the way they are. Moreover, you are the only one who can help your child come to terms with her own orientation so be understanding and empathetic. Help her realise that there is no shame in being who she is, it is always a matter of pride and she will always be accepted by you with arms wide open no matter what.

Age-factor: Kids who are gowning with a different orientation needs parental guidance quite early to develop self-esteem and a sense of worth. But if you just want to start with talking about the diversities, teen is the best time.

Talk to her about sexual freedom: Freedom of woman means a lot of things and that includes sexual freedom too. It is extremely important for a parent to help her child understand that she is the one who should pick and choose her partner. The task at hand is to help a girl child understand that dominance is not love and anything that makes her uncomfortable should be stopped. This is where we need to teach them what consent is all about. Unlike the Bollywood chartbusters, where the lyrics say that a girl’s no always means a yes – ‘a no is a NO’ and she has the freedom to say no without any fear.

Age factor: The earlier you start the better. Unlike the yesteryears sexual exploration starts quite early these days, probably the pre-teen years are the best time to talk about sexual freedom once you have introduced sex education at home.

Discuss feminism with your daughter: Going by the definition of feminism in Wikipedia – “Feminism in India is a set of movements aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for Indian women. It is the pursuit of women’s rights within the society of India. Like their feminist counterparts all over the world, feminists in India seek gender equality: the right to work for equal wages, the right to equal access to health and education, and equal political rights.” To make your daughter understand why we need feminism you need to tell her the history of oppression and suppression that women in India faced for years; these lessons are the ones that she will learn from you and not from her history textbooks. The recent #MeToo movement will also be a lesson in the modern history of women that you can narrate at a later time. But be cautious here. There is a balance that you need to exercise while teaching feminism without making her an extremist. Now, while patriarchy is an extremism of a kind, feminism can also hinge towards another extremity if you overdo with the lessons.

Age-factor: When your daughter hits puberty or is in her pre-teen years, it is the right time to start talking about feminism.

Published: October 11, 2018 2:03 pm | Updated:October 11, 2018 4:21 pm

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