How to tell your child she is adopted

Wondering how to tell your kid that she is adopted? Here are is how to make it smooth and easy for her and you.

Telling your kid that she is adopted might be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. You don't know how she is going to react to the news and if his perception towards the whole concept of parenting will change. However, you must do your best to let the child know that even though she is adopted, you love her more than anyone else in this world. Tara Mehta, a clinical psychologist at Fortis Hospitals, gives you some tips on how to tell your child that she is adopted.

The right age

Since adoption is such a sensitive subject; you need to bring the matter up at the right age. '6-8 is the right age to talk to your child about adoption. Younger than that, the child may not completely understand what you are trying to convey and older than that (children who are in the teens) may tend to feel a sense of betrayal and may affect their sense of self-esteem. It could also negatively affect the relationship of the child with his adoptive parents', says Mehta.

Do not conceal it

Do not hide the fact that your child is adopted because sooner or later she is going to find out. Worse, she might find out through relatives. 'There are chances that adoptive children may look very different from their adoptive families - facial features, colour or build. They might not confront you about it, but they are cognizant of the fact that they are different', states Mehta.

Take baby steps

Your kid doesn't have to get all the information at one go. Consider your child's age and maturity when you talk about adoption. Keep it simple and use words that she will understand easily.

Answer all the questions

It is obvious that your child will have a million questions in his head. Let her take his time and ask all the questions. Answer all the questions patiently even if she keeps asking them again and again over a period of few days, weeks and months. Make herfeel that it is normal and nothing to be ashamed about.

Choose your words wisely

'Talking about adoption may bring your own worries, feelings of guilt and inadequacy of not being able to have your own children. DO NOT convey these feelings in front of your child. It may make her feel unwanted,' advises Mehta. Discuss beforehand about what you are going to say to your child so there is uniformity and do it together. Talking to your kid together will make sure that your child trusts you.

Encourage her to talk about her feelings

If you child doesn't bring up the topic again, check with her and see if she has actually understood what you were trying to convey. Try to understand how she is coping with it. Is she disturbed or does she seem happy?

Do not speak ill of the birth parents

You don t want your child to feel unloved or unwanted. Do not tell the child that her birth parents left her because they didn t love her or anything. You can say things like they loved her a lot but couldn t take care of her due to reasons and hence, had to give her away to a family that loved her and could take care of her. Explain to your kid that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her and she is not at fault for anything.

Assure your child that adoption is permanent

There are chances that your child might feel that just like her birth parents, you will, too, give her away to someone else. Assure your child that adoption is permanent and that you will never change your mind about her.

Give her some time

Your child will not come to terms with the fact that she is adopted immediately. Give her some time to cope with it and her out. As long as you answer their questions honestly and lovingly, they will learn to embrace it with positivity.

Say I love you every day

There are some things that you need to tell your child everyday and I love you is one of the most important one. It is a part of positive parenting. Tell your child how much you love her and how she completes your family. This will not make her feel unwanted or unloved and help her with cope with the news better.

In some cases, children tend to take the news rather badly. They sometimes either stop talking to you or refuse to talk about adoption at all. In such cases, we suggest you visit a counsellor to help your child out.

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