Jahnavi Sarma
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Written By: Jahnavi Sarma | Updated : August 16, 2019 3:27 AM IST
. Negative sibling relationships are strongly linked to aggressive, anti-social and delinquent behaviours, including substance use. © Shutterstock
Siblings can be the best of friends or they can be their own worst enemies. Brothers and sisters will always fight. In fact, as long as there is more than one child in the house, sibling rivalry is inevitable. This is the bane of many parents. But this is normal and healthy too. It also leads to better bonding. This is inevitable and a part and parcel of having kids. As parents, you have to learn how to deal with it and take it in your stride. It is a problem only when this rivalry becomes toxic.
But sometimes jealousy rears its ugly head and spoils relationships. Sibling rivalry usually starts with the birth of a second child. But sometimes it can start even before that. The first-born feels threatened and starts to compete for everything from toys to attention. This can be traumatic for parents and it spoils the environment in a house. This is not healthy for a child.
Parents often have a tough time controlling their kids' animosity and are, at time, not sure if they should interfere. But you need to take control and stop this rivalry before it transforms into a lifelong bitterness.
Siblings fight. So, at first parent may not realise that their children have any rivalry among themselves. But you need to be vigilant and spot any rivalry right at the beginning. This way you can take proper steps to stop the acrimony that may follow. Be alert for any signs of name-calling, blaming, poking, stealing things or lying. Also look out for arguments, carrying tales, challenging a belief, giving each other looks and hitting. Sometimes, they may even resort to breaking something that belongs to the other and throwing something at the other. They may also hide something that is important to the other. They are probably doing this just to get your attention. But it can also be something deeper and psychological. So, being alert will help you in the long run.
Sibling conflict represents parents' number one concern and complaint about family life, but a new prevention programme demonstrates that siblings of elementary-school age can learn to get along. In doing so, they can improve their future health and well-being. Negative sibling relationships are strongly linked to aggressive, anti-social and delinquent behaviours, including substance use, say researchers from the Prevention Research Center for the Promotion of Human Development.
Positive sibling relationships are linked to all kinds of positive adjustment, including improved peer and romantic relationship quality, academic adjustment and success, and positive well-being and mental health. This programme help siblings learn how to manage their conflicts and feel more like a team as a way to improve their well-being and avoid engaging in troublesome behaviours over time, say researchers.
The programme, called SIBlings Are Special (SIBS), was designed by Feinberg, Susan McHale, director of the Social Science Research Institute at Penn State and professor of human development, and colleagues. It was done to improve sibling and family relationships just prior to older siblings' transition to middle school, which often is marked by increased exposure to and involvement in risky behaviours. Not only did the program help the siblings, it helped their parents too. The Journal of Adolescent Health published the results.
It may be common for brothers and sisters to fight. But it is not pleasant and can create tension in the house. As a parent you must make some rules and stick to it.
This is the first rule. If you get involved in your kids' fight, it might look like you are favouring one over the other. This will lead to more resentment. Step in Step in only if there's a danger of any kind of physical harm. This will also make the kids realise that they have to solve their own problems. You may also step in if they use inappropriate language. Be careful not to blame one kid and don't spend time trying to figure out who started the fight.
Set some rules and make sure your kids follow them. Teach them about acceptable behaviour. Stop them from cursing, name-calling, yelling or door slamming. Punish them if they break the rules.
Devote equal time to each kid. In fact, set time aside for each one of them. Make them all feel special. Do things that interest them. One may like to be outdoors but the other may like to read. Do divide your time accordingly.
Make sure your kids have their own space and time to do their own thing. This will be their space and teach the other kid to respect that. They can play by themselves or with friends without a sibling tagging along in this space.
Be demonstrative. Make your kids feel loved and important. Spend some family time together playing and laughing. This will go a long way in reducing sibling rivalry. Sometimes kids fight to get a parent's attention. In that case, do your own thing for a while.
Sometimes, sibling rivalry can take an ugly turn. It can get so bad that it disrupts daily functioning and affects kids emotionally or psychologically. In such cases, get help from a mental health professional.
