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Written By: Editorial Team | Updated : April 6, 2016 9:58 AM IST
When I was in college, I remember asking a heavily pregnant professor whether she 'feels' the weight of the baby. She casually said she didn't. 'It gradually grows as a part of you,' she said with a smile. That is how I feel about my current status of being a single mom. It does not feel different or unusual. Anymore. There was definitely a time when the prospect of being a 'SINGLE MOTHER' stabbed my heart and all I could do was cry. I also have this devastating memory of me holding my newborn baby and thinking that life, so long and huge, will crush me. And I will go down in flames dragging this little human I so much love.
That is all behind me now, and as I said, I do not sit and think much about being a single mom. However, as stray thoughts are wont to do, they do creep up or are brought on by a comment from a 'well-wisher'. So to set the record straight, here are a few things people should stop assuming about me. And other single parents too.
1. STOP calling me strong! The most common comment about me is that I am very strong. Yes, it is a major decision to walk out of a marriage and arriving at that decision requires strength. I agree. But if every person I meet lauds me for that, it only evokes all the sad memories that led up to me calling it off. And I don't need sad! I had my fill and now I want to focus on the happy. Can we do that, please?
2. I don't worry about my child being 'emotionally challenged': My baby isn't growing up in an 'ideal' family, but she is growing up with people who love and respect her, even if that's me alone. It does tug at my heart when I see fathers carrying their tots on their shoulders in the park. I spend a second in self-pity, turn around and pick my daughter and carry her on my shoulders. At the risk of sounding like a romantic, I truly believe that children in single-parent families have a full, beautiful lives too. A single parent is better than an abusive set of parents any day!
3. Yes, I do feel alone: There was a phase when I could not listen to any romantic songs, or watch a particularly mushy-mushy romance flick. Though I have come a long way and can handle looking at happy couples without tearing up, there are times when I feel alone. I do crave the human touch, the need to have someone to lean on or have conversations with. Someone who could have loved my baby the way I do. The fact that I will never have a partner, who is as invested in my daughter and her well-being as me, is killing. But hey, that does not make me a sad soul. These are fleeting moments and do not define me as a person.
4. I don't dwell on my tragedy: When I tell you that I am a single mom, I am stating a fact. Like someone would say I have two beautiful kids. I am not fishing for sympathy or admiration. There's no story inside me waiting to be told and I do not appreciate you clucking your tongue at this news. I am not a sad, mopey person who wants to share their tragedy. I am just a person telling you that I am a single mom. Trust me, there's nothing between the lines here.
5. I have a life outside my child: Judge me all you want to, but my life is not dedicated to my child nor is she my only purpose. She definitely is the most important aspect of my life, but I do not cease to exist as an individual. I need to grow as a person, and at times, need to have adult conversations without a toddler hanging on my leg. I do not agree to spend every waking moment of my life attached to her only because she has one parent. I do not see the point of doing anything I wouldn't if she had a father around.
6. I totally judge stay at home moms who complain: If you are a part of any parenting group on WhatsApp or Facebook, you will totally get what I mean here. Every group has some moms who will crib about being 'lonely' and 'lost' when the husband is out of town for a couple of nights. Taking care of the kids and the house ALONE is a daunting task! Excuse me, that's my everyday life. And I ALSO have to leave my child behind and go to work. Hand me that crown already!
7. I HATE it when people come to me for single parenting advice after a tiff with their partner: 'So how is it to be a single mom?', 'Isn't it taxing?', 'I'd walk out now if I had some financial stability' -- I have had so many people asking for advice on being a single mom after they have had a tiff with their partner. My two cents to them is that it isn't like a calculated risk you take before investing in a business. As I mentioned earlier, it's a major decision that will alter your life. You can either stay in a relationship that drains you emotionally and physically, or you can't. No two ways about it.
8. There is a sad place in my heart where all the broken dreams are stored and that place will always be there. The years spent planning a home, all the stuff bought and collected with stars in my eyes. I invested a LOT of me in building and cementing the relationship that was. That hurt and pain will never go away. Despite trying hard, I do go through the pieces of what once felt like a beautiful glass globe. And that gives me strength to not let my child go through that pain. It makes me better, not bitter. Even a study says that single parents do not stop their kids from dating! I learned my lesson through my mistakes, but that does not make me impose those 'lessons' on my child.
There, you have it. I am single mom. I am coping with a bad life experience, just like a person recuperating from a really bad road accident. So do not treat me differently. If you get this, we can be friends. And do not forget to get that crown when you come visiting.
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