Poorva Chavan
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Bollywood actress, Bipasha Basu is finally getting married. After keeping her relationship with Karan Singh Grover under wraps, the couple is finally set to tie the knot on Saturday, 30th April, 2016. Both, Bipasha and Karan have had their string of affairs. Bipasha dated model/actor John Abraham for the longest time, but she broke up with him after he allegedly cheated on her. Before John, Basu dated model-actor Dino Morea. Karan Singh Grover, on the other, hand has been married twice and is set to enter 'holy' matrimony for the third time.
A series of failed relationships, two affairs in Bipasha's case and two failed marriages in Karan's case definitely make us wonder if it will work out the third time for both of them and if this will be their happily ever after.
Psychologist and Marriage counsellor, Sanjoy Mukerji, says that people who have a series of failed relationships, subconsciously follow a pattern. If someone has had affairs or marriages that have not worked out in the past, their next relationship or marriage is bound to go down that route too. They might make the same mistakes that they made earlier and the relationship might end the same way.
The pattern usually has some connection deep down with the person's past. Troubled relationships, troubled childhood, sexual abuse, child abuse, parent's failed marriage, which may or may not include a divorce. Many times people just live in a loveless marriage for the sake of their children and children living in such families are affected by that. People tend to hold on to these memories and subconsciously attract similar people in life. Dr Mukerji explains that if the daughter is close to an abusive father, she is bound to attract someone similar. Now, if the father has been abusive towards the mother, the daughter is more likely to have a partner who's abusive. If the daughter is close to the mother who's a dominant personality, she will attract someone who's dominant. If children have lived through their parent's divorce, they are more likely to call it quits easily and not try to make their marriage work.
Mistakes that couples usually commit
Comparison with the ex--Many times partners tend to compare themselves to their partner's ex or compare their partners to their ex. Dr Mukerji says it is best avoided. Asking your partner if you look better than their ex or if you cook better than them, serves no purpose. Remember your partner chose you over them. You are more important to them now.
Criticising the ex--Avoid slamming your partner's ex. You don't need to try to prove that you are better than them. It doesn't matter who's better. And you never know, if you are constantly criticising your partner's ex, they might not like it and defend their ex, which you will definitely not savour. And when this happens, you will end up being hurt.
Not communicating--Not just couples who marry more than once or twice but in general, this is one of the biggest mistakes most couples commit. If you don't like certain habits of your partner, do not overlook them. If you think your partner is not treating you right or you are not okay with certain decisions they make -- COMMUNICATE. Tell them what you feel. Their behaviour will not change unless they know that it irks you. Do not assume that the person will change or certainly don't hope for it. Talk it out. Make sure they hear and understand you.
How NOT to repeat the same mistake
Premarital counselling-- Dr Mukerji advocates premarital counselling and says couples must undergo therapy before they get hitched the next time. He says the best time to prevent a divorce is before marriage. Premarital counselling helps in breaking the 'pattern'. He also says that problems only worsen after marriage. Many times partner's don't talk about what they don't like about their partner's behaviour or certain habits they don't like, hoping that they will improve or things will change after marriage. But, very rarely does a relationship improve after marriage. Couple's therapy helps in bringing these things to the fore. The counsellor can help couples in reaching a consensus. And this is the time you can actually decide whether you want to take the plunge.
Many times people are not sure about who they are and what they want in their life. People suffer from low-self esteem, reasons for which can be many. Fear of the future, negative thoughts, abuse, molestation are a few of them. Therapy also helps in bringing these issues to the fore. Find out if a huge age gap in marriage makes a difference.
Watch out for signs and signals-- If you are marrying someone who has been married earlier, there are certain cues you can pick up. Remember, your partner called it quits once, he/she can do it again. The person might have violent behaviour or might force you to do certain things that are unacceptable to you. If this happens recurrently, think over your decision. If he/she has become violent once, there's nothing that can stop them the second time. If the person keeps on talking about breaking up after small trivial fights, be more careful. Don't think that once you are married, the person cannot escape. They will try to escape come what may.
Another important thing to watch out for is if there's constant comparison. If they keep on comparing you to their ex or keep on asking you whether you like them more or your ex. Women face many body image issues and tend to get insecure about their bodies. They might ask their partners if they look better than their ex or men can question their partners about their performance between the sheets.
What to do in such situations?
Well, tell your partner you don't like it. If it disturbs you, tell them. Never talk about their ex. Do not initiate conversations about their ex. Keep mum. However, if they initiate it and you don't like it, do not react. Be proactive and explain it to them nicely. Say things like, 'I did not like that you compared me to your ex. Let's not do it next time. It disturbs me or hurts me.'
Constant criticism is also another factor to consider. Your current partner need not criticise your ex and neither do you need to criticise their ex. And you need not criticise your ex either. Remember if they criticise their ex, they will criticise you too.
Love--Dr Mukerji says in the end, love conquers all. If there's love in a relationship, partners will make sure the relationship works. He specifically says that it is important for men to be better husbands. A woman sacrifices many things to start a new life. Most of the times she will do everything for a man and treat him like a king. And in return, all she expects is love -- both physical and emotional. Men should understand this and not take their partners for granted.
Image source--Bipasha Basu/Instagram