Your boss doesn’t hate you. He may be a perfectionist!

Jokes aside, perfectionism is no laughing matter.

By: Swapna C | | Updated: February 10, 2016 1:23 pm

‘It’s ok I’ll do it myself,’ says the supermom who does not ever delegate as she works 10 hours a day and cooks healthy lunches for the family and goes to the gym and finds time to make make her son’s craft project.

Ever get the feeling that the bar is set too high and you can’t achieve it? Whatever you do, you are just not good enough! You are either a perfectionist yourself or at the receiving end of the ‘other oriented perfectionist’ — that demanding boss, parent, spouse or teacher who is forever disparaging and judgemental.

But what if this describes you? You are the one with a dark side and a scathing wit — the dreaded boss, mother-in-law, teacher, spouse or parent?

Knowing about the types of perfectionism might help you figure out a way to help yourself or to help someone you know.

How many types are there?

Psychologists recognize three types of perfectionism, each with different beliefs, attitudes, motivations and behaviours.

1. Self-oriented perfectionists (SOP)

Most of us perceive perfectionists as those who want to be perfect and hold themselves to a higher standard. SOP are just that. Such people are internally driven and their motivation to succeed does not impair their relationship with others.

Monica from the popular sitcom Friends strike a chord?

Monica’s neuroses, her anxiety and stress are all manifestations of this type of perfectionism. Her deepest fear is the fear of failure. Despite her OCD, she is able to empathise with those who are not able to match her exacting standards.

According to Professor Joachim Stoeber, University of Kent, SOP are the only type of perfectionists who have a pro-social quality. He said, ‘Even though they focus on themselves, they show an interest in others, care about social norms and about others’ expectations. They prefer affiliative humor that enhances relationships, and shy away from aggressive jokes.’

Socially prescribed perfectionists (SPP)

These perfectionists strive to be flawless because society expects it of them. Such people experience a lot of stress when they try to achieve the gold standard of perfection. They often worry about what people will think about them if they fail to live up to their expectations.

Chandler from Friends anyone?

Like a true SPP as shown in the study, Chandler makes self-deprecating jokes, has a low self-esteem and a low self-regard, and often feels inferior.

Professor Stoeber pointed out that they can be quite antisocial and unemotional, and do not respond well to positive feedback. Don’t we all know the type who can’t take even a compliment?

Other oriented perfectionists (OOP)

Professor Stoeber’s studies showed that such perfectionists tend to be antisocial and to have an aggressive sense of humour compared to the other types. According to the study, OOP show unique positive relationships with the Dark Triad personality traits narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy.

Remember Dr Greene or Rachael’s father in Friends?

This character displayed all the traits of an OOP. Not only did he expect other people to be perfect, but was also be highly critical of those who failed to meet his expectations.

Professor Stoeber mentions that they care little about social norms and do not readily fit into the bigger social picture in comparison with other types of perfectionists.

Is being a perfectionist a problem then?

‘Perfectionism is a bigger risk factor in suicide than we may think,’ said Dr. Gordon Flett C, York University, Toronto. Read more about his studies here.

At the very least perfectionism has been linked to stress and troubled interpersonal relationships. Obviously, having unrealistically high standards for oneself could take a toll on anyone.

Dr Stoeber has also studied the effects of SPP and stress in the workplace. He examines the connection between SPP and burnout.

If you feel compelled to excel at work and this is taking a toll on your well being and relationships, seek help from a qualified counsellor or psychologist.

But, aren’t many high achievers perfectionists?

In seeking perfectionism, few people perform above par and become high achieving scientists, artists and sportsmen. Some of the most famous people we know are perfectionists who capture our imagination, but most of them have gone on record to say that they are unhappy despite their success. Whether it is Kim Kardashian who is not satisfied with her looks or Gwyneth Paltrow who feels like checking herself into a mental asylum because of obsessing over the little details, these celebrities continue to lead a tough life.

We need to examine whether perfectionism is working for people based on how it affects them outside the context of academics and professional life. Are they setting themselves up for disappointment and is their interaction with people suffering on account of it?Are they able to deal with feelings of worthlessness or any other negative feelings when they set impossibly high standards.

Sometimes, the fear of failure is so great that they may not even be able to perform a task or activity. For example, a student who is afraid of doing something wrong or not being good at it may not even want to do it and keep procrastinating. Dr Flett explains this tendency to procrastinate and more in this pod cast: Perfectionism (Part 1): An interview with Dr. Gordon Flett

Perception of perfectionism in India

Even as psychologists are trying to figure out what leads to perfectionism and how each type of perfectionist can cope with it, Indians continue to have a positive association with the condition.

Parents exhort kids to perform better, not just academically, but also in art, music, sports and other pursuits. Teachers threaten kids with poor grades (bad marks) if they are not up to scratch. The link between heredity or upbringing on the origin of perfectionist traits in children is not yet clear.

But, can this be good? Should we as a collective be happy with the pursuit of perfection and all it implies?

Take the case of the celebrated actor Aamir Khan. No mention of perfectionism in India is complete without talking about him. He seems to wear the mantle with pride and people continue to look for perfectionist tendencies in anything he does.

From what we know of the man behind the star through his interviews and public persona, he doesn’t seem to living out the life of perfectionist with the dark side to him. But, I may be wrong. Do you think Aamir Khan is a perfectionist? If yes, then what type is he: other oriented, self-oriented or socially prescribed? Share your response below.

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(With inputs from ANI)

Photo source: Shutterstock.com

Published : May 18, 2015 2:24 pm | Updated:February 10, 2016 1:23 pm

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