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Written By: Editorial Team | Updated : October 8, 2015 11:01 AM IST
I was once married to a narcissist. I didn't know it at the time, but soon things turned out to be everything my worst nightmare could have entailed. The abuse was the most prominent feature of our relationship (if you can call it that) and initially, I just could not understand what I could do to please that man.
Once he was diagnosed and I understood the problem better (which took a lot of counselling and learning) I came up with these coping techniques to deal with the situation. Here are my tips for those of you still in this toxic environment.
They are cowards -- don't be afraid: A narcissist is someone who portray themselves as the greatest people to ever be born. And they really believe it. But under all that bravado lies a man who is insecure and suffers from a severe inferiority complex. They are just like those bullies you might have encountered. The moment you stop being afraid and stand up to them, they cower down and move away. This is a technique that worked exceedingly well for me. Although it took me a lot of time to beat the fear he had instilled in me, just not being afraid and standing up to him changed the dynamics of how we interacted.
Tip: Narcissists can be physically abusive too. If the person you are dealing with physically abuses you, remember that not putting yourself in a position to get hit or harmed is the most important thing. When you do see them, make sure you are in a safe place, never alone and can call for help in an instant.
No amount of reasoning will work -- it's best not to try: There absolutely no reasoning with a narcissist. This is because they think and truly believe they are right. ALWAYS. Beyond a shadow of doubt. So don't waste your time and energy trying to reason with them. In cases where there are confrontations, back away and stop the conversation. Silence, is not always a sign of fear, it is also be an act of defiance. And when you defy them without reacting to their inane antics, it irritates them and eventually they will see that you will not change your ways or mind because of what they are doing. It takes the power away from them.
Ignore their tantrums: Throwing tantrums is one of the most common and often effective ways for a narcissist to get his way. Remember that's their agenda -- their way or the highway. So ignore it and don't give it any credence. Allow them to wallow in their misery and soon you'll see that either they will try another method to get their way or someone else will knock some sense into them.
Tip: Recognise a tantrum. it could be as real as hitting themselves to shouting and being aggressive towards you. If you see one on the horizon, ignore it and walk away. Remember, you cannot reason with them, so you are left with just two options -- to walk away or fight back.
Stand your ground-- borders are essential : Narcissists prey on people who have low self worth. Or those who express the need to be loved or validated. This is where setting boundaries comes into play. They do not respect anyone else's boundaries. So it is essential that you first find yourself, what you like, do not like, what you will allow and what is an absolute no-no. Once you have that set, you will be much better equipped to put your foot down when your partner demands for something. Make sure you stay determined throughout the entire negotiation-tantrum throwing episode that will ensue.
The next step is a bit more difficult -- implementing these boundaries. Learn to say no when things don't suit you. And you must say it and mean it. It must be done with conviction and said unflinchingly.
Tip: Knowing what you want from the relationship, loving yourself enough to not allow any kind of misbehaviour are all traits that are essential to make a point and be strong about them. Yes, this can be difficult. But you will be able to get there once you see how wonderful you are in reality.
Watch out for manipulation : Narcissists are master manipulators and can charm anyone. That's what makes them so dangerous. Therefore make sure you look out for signs of manipulations and side step them like a landmine. Some common techniques that are used are -- making you feel guilty for his mistake (or anything actually), making you feel like you are wrong when you know you are absolutely right, belittling you (stating that you are incapable therefore cannot have a say in the matter), emotionally guilt-tripping you into agreeing.
Tip: Learning to recognise these signs takes time, but look out for them and you'll notice that it quickly becomes a pattern of what works and what does not. And soon it will be the same repetitive behaviour. So dealing with them will become easier. Know that once he notices that you have wised up to his ways, he will change the game and use other methods. Watch out for the change.
Your body language matters: Humans are animals too and your body language speaks volumes about what you are feeling and thinking. One of the best ways to handle a narcissist is to stand up to them -- quite literally. When you talk to them make sure you stand upright, look straight into their eyes and emit a sense of strength. Do not look down or away no matter what. It may be as hard as looking straight at the sun (figuratively) but know that your confidence will make him back off.
Do not react aggressively: Aggression is not the best tool to use with a narcissist, because for them everything is a competition and they HAVE to win -- at any cost. So in the face of a confrontation, stay calm, respond with a calm yet strong voice and do not yell (no matter how much he might be). If he does not listen, cross your arms in front of your chest or place them on your hips (a good way to show strength and aggression without yelling) and keep quiet till he is done. He will soon realise that you are not listening or are not giving his words any credence and will stop yelling. During this time, do not have an immediate reaction. Use it to calm your nerves and think of an appropriate response.
Remember, there is no point arguing or trying to put your point across. Instead state your point and stick to what you have decided.
Plan but do not try to out think him: Narcissists think of scenarios far beyond what a normal mind can fathom. So instead of trying to beat them, be smart. Plan on back-up ways to thwart what he/she is doing. One of the best ways to do that is to read the book 'Art of war'. It really gives you insight into how you should strategise in cases of war. And with a narcissist it is always war.
Don't believe their criticism: For a person with this disorder, making you feel bad about yourself is a way for them to feel superior. And that feeling is something they live every moment of their lives to achieve. They want you to feel like crap, so don't believe them. Find what you love about yourself and what makes you beautiful, wonderful and worth a lot more than what this person is giving you. It's hard, but it will pay off to feel good about yourself -- all the time.
Most importantly don't allow your mind to dwell on that abyss or darkness -- which is quite common in victims of narcissist. Also remember that a stronger more self-assured you will make standing up to him and being strong a lot easier.
Do not look for logic: It does not exists in a narcissists world. They can even seem to be delusional at times and this is because they have that undying need to be the best and right at all times. So to make that fact true (at least in their heads) they tend to twist facts and make up scenarios to suit their belief. So instead of trying to look for logic, use the lack of it to your benefit. I'd suggest, instead of trying to find out why and how something was done, try to think about what could have logically prompted them to take the step. Once you have found the root, use that weakness to break them.
Tip: I know I sound mean and aggressive here. But remember you must survive this with a healthy body and sane mind, for which you have to beat them at their game.
Do not emulate their actions: Narcissists lack empathy and the ability to show compassion. Apart from that, their traits often become something you end up living with for an extremely large part of your day. This can rub off on you too and you may start to emulate their actions and justify it in your mind. This is common and extremely normal. After all your mind is being broken down bit-by-bit on a daily basis by a man who knows exactly what he is doing.
So don't feel guilty. Instead keep yourself in check. Show kindness and make sure you stay as true to yourself as you possibly can.
Read up on the condition: Knowing about your opponent is the first rule of war. He is your opponent -- albeit he was someone you allowed entry into your world-- treat him like one. Read up on narcissism and talk to people who have been through the same or a similar experience. Get all your facts right and you will know exactly how to deal with your partner.
Don't feel sorry for them: It is very common to feel sorry for them. To think that after all it is an ailment and that you shouldn't leave when they are sick. But know that this is a dangerous situation to be in. Most narcissists can never be healed (or fixed) and most importantly they will never accept that there is anything wrong with them. Do not feel sorry for him. Narcissists are manipulative and extremely smart people who know exactly what they are doing, when they do it. Their actions give them pleasure, happiness and validation.
Please leave: Finally, do not stick around to see how this ends. Narcissistic spouses can quickly become extremely violent and it can be very dangerous to your life. Apart from that, a narcissist will break you down -- emotionally and physically -- to such an extent that you won't recognise the woman who went in thinking of a happily ever after.
I believe that every human being has beauty inside them, and when you are broken to such an extent you tend to lose that. You are wonderful, beautiful and amazing. Remember that. Once you leave, you will see the world as a much brighter place that will give you the power to go out there and achieve your dreams.
Disclaimer: These are my personal tips and are not one of an expert psychologist. Please use them at your discretion.
Image source: Shutterstock
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