How I wish I hadn’t picked the razor that awful day!

A real life account of a suicide survivor that will give you goosebumps.

Anusha Iyengar | Updated: September 10, 2015 11:17 am

September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day.

This is a real account of a person who once tried to commit suicide and was saved. The identity of the person is kept a secret for obvious reasons. However, it doesn’t take away the soul out of the story. Read, share and get inspired to love yourself back.

How I wish I hadn’t picked the razor that awful day! So what if he left? So what if I had a miscarriage? Was my life just about him and his baby in my womb? I asked myself these questions when I was in the hospital in a semi-conscious state, with my mom next to me who couldn’t stop crying. I wish I had spoken to someone about my mental condition before I took the decision to end my life. What was I thinking? Here is how you should deal with suicidal thoughts.

Are you wondering why I took this major step? Let’s go back in time when I was 15 years old. I loved partying. My friends were my life. I knew my potential and that if I chose to write as a career, I would be as successful as my friends are now. But I had more important things in life, friends and parties. I was the crazy one at parties, and my friends loved me for that. That was until I met him. I met him when I was 18. Those eyes and that smile were to die for. Our eyes met from across the hall and at that moment, I knew that my priorities are going to change. How I wish I wasn’t blinded by those eyes and that smile! It seemed like a fairytale, and I was so sure that it’s going to be ‘and they lived happily ever after’ for me too. Did you know mixed depression makes you suicidal?

The happy and dreamy phase ended with my pregnancy. How I found out that I was pregnant? When I was taken to the hospital and the doctors said I had just had a miscarriage. That’s when things got complicated. What was he so upset and angry about? Was it because the baby died or because we had unsafe sex?

From then on, everything changed. I kept putting efforts to make him happy, and he would gift me a blow on my nose till it bled. I would tell my mom that I had a brawl with my guy friends, and she would constantly ask me to change friends or she would drag them to jail. All this lying to my mom and trying to save my relationship was driving me crazy. It reached a stage where I couldn’t recognize myself. I looked at my earlier pictures. Who was that girl who was dancing like she was the happiest person in the world? Here is how to recognise and help a suicidal person.

That’s when I decided to put an end to all the drama. Did it end the drama? No. I survived. Mom found me in my room covered in a pool of blood. I don’t even want to get started on the kind of thoughts that went through her mind. To sum it up in one line, she kept wondering if she had been a bad mother.

Everyone tells you that suicide is a bad thing and how you should find alternatives in life that will make you a happier person. What do they know about depression or the urge to end your life? The emptiness. The fights that you have with yourself constantly. Those people, who advise you to get on with life positively, do not know anything about what you’re going through. You know what? All those people who came to the hospital to give me tons of advice were fighting their own battles. Yet they didn’t commit suicide. Not because they were too chicken about it but though they had issues, they also had their own reasons to live. Here are 12 signs of that say your child is suicidal.

Here’s the thing about suicide. It might relieve you of all your pain forever, but it leaves behind a scar in the minds of the people who loved you. Sounds familiar, right? You living for people who love you. But it is important because they can be the one reason you have in life to live and live with content. I got knocked up at 20 and tried committing suicide when I was 22. Did me committing suicide affect him in any way? I have no idea because he wasn’t there when I woke up in that hospital with my mom crying next to me. I’m sure he must have thought ‘Good riddance’.

Now this is the part where ‘I’, the person who attempted suicide, requests you to NEVER END YOUR LIFE. Not only because your parents or your friends love you, but because there was a time when you, too, loved yourself. You just need to take that extra effort to fall in love with yourself again. I did. What am I doing today? I write for a living and party with my friends. You have no idea how relieved I am to be living this life. I call it an afterlife. Don’t wait for an afterlife to teach you how to live.’ Decoding Suicides — a guide for you.

Yours truly and happily ever after,

Anonymous!

Picture for representational purpose only

Published: September 10, 2015 7:11 am | Updated:September 10, 2015 11:17 am

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