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Written By: Editorial Team | Published : February 25, 2019 8:38 PM IST
31-year-old Dimple Patel has bravely fought the trauma of losing her mother to suicide and is trying to help others tackling similar challenges.
I lost my mother to suicide in 2011. But I did not speak about it publicly until 2015 though I had started Team Patel for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention s Out of the Darkness Walk in 2014. It was not that I was embarrassed. I believe it was more due to the stigma attached to suicide and the hesitation to actually say it aloud that my mother died of suicide. Back then, I wouldn't utter these words out loud ever and avoid answering how my mother died when others asked. At that point of time, talking about it used to make me feel that it is my current reality. Also, I did not want to face the truth and acknowledge that mental health issues run in my family.
How everyone around me reacted
I will never forget this one memory when a friend told me that he overheard people within the Gujarat community saying that we wanted this to happen due to the life insurance policy. I was livid when I heard this, to the extent that I wanted to actually find the person who said this and ask, "Why would you say that? I would do anything to have her back if it was within my power." I grew up hearing all these about my mother's suicide: "That's really selfish of her, "Didn't she think of her kids?" The South Asian community tends to gossip a lot! Their rude and mean reactions not only hurt me, they bothered me. However, there are also some, who meant well. They would reach out and provide support and sympathy. But I didn't want people to look at me differently. I am deeply saddened by how the South Asian community handles mental health issues.
What I went through
Throughout all this, I used to avoid going to places that had a lot of South Asians because I did not want people to feel sorry for me. I would isolate myself completely at home. I just did not want to keep being asked, How are you doing? I knew I was lying when I said, "I am okay." The truth was that my mother was depressed and it took me so long to understand it. I had realized that mental health issues run in my family. Yet, no one talked about it. I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. So many others do and they just keep it within the family. I was a completely changed person after my mother passed away. I noticed an increase in depressive symptoms that were impacting me. I needed to work through all these changes and loss. So I took to therapy. My mother wrote a letter and I am yet to read it. I just do not have the heart to do that. For me, it means the final goodbye. I still need to fully process her death and be ready to say goodbye. But how do you just say goodbye that easily? I still want to hold onto her as much as I can.
Therapy worked wonders for me
I am still scared to open up that box again. I am still in therapy and slowly working towards my healing. I am a big advocate for therapy because it helped me tremendously. With the assistance of my therapist I was better able to process and reflect on my thoughts and emotions related to my mother s death. I always tell everyone who is sceptical that it doesn't take a lot for a person to give it a try. While I was in therapy, I worked very hard on myself. I did all the assignments that were given to me, and never missed an appointment. I was very motivated and determined.
The decision to speak up
When it came to my second walk in 2015, I shared on Facebook why I started it. Initially I was so nervous to share such an intimate detail of my life online. But I was truly surprised at how many people supported me. This is an issue that should not be kept within the family out of the fear of what the society or community will say. It needs to be discussed or else, people who need help might be too late in asking for it. Speaking about suicide and the mental health challenges that trigger the tendency will facilitate early intervention, which may change the impact drastically. I just wish I had known how my mother was suffering. This attitude of hushing it up all has to change.
De-stigmatising suicide
In the South Asian culture, a lot of stigma and shame are associated with mental health issues. I remember, in my mother's case, my family had to brush it up by saying it was a heart attack. How do you explain to someone that it was a suicide? I never knew anyone personally who died of suicide. The one thing I noticed eight years ago was that no one was talking about issues like suicide within our culture. I was going through it alone. I want others to know that that they are not alone!
Since I have shared my story in the US, I ve actually had some people from India message me asking questions about therapy, the process, how to find a therapist, and the types of questions to ask. I want to create more conversations surrounding mental health issues and allow people to feel safe and comfortable. I want to be a voice for others who cannot speak up for themselves and stand up against the stigma and shame, posing myself as an example. I am working on a website to host all the mental health issues I work on. Until the website is running, I have created an Instagram page on mental health @mentalhealthbhavanas.
