How to spot a passive aggressive person

Will you trust passive-aggressive people? They will NEVER keep their promise.

Manish is a diligent employee working as a part of a big team at his company. From a very young age, Manish has seen that expressing anger is looked down upon by others. Furthermore, even being assertive and straightforward can irritate a lot of people and will be met with some resistance. So what does he do? He tries to be sweet to everybody at all times, often going out of his way to please other people. But despite being so sweet, he believes that some people take him for granted. His boss doesn t recognise his good work and decides to promote his colleague instead. He is upset, but instead of being upfront with his boss, he decides to avenge his humiliation by carefully planning a sabotage. On a crucial day, when his team his team needs his help, he decides to call in sick, leaving his team members in a lurch.

Does this sound like someone you may have met? Manish a made-up character with passive aggressive traits; through his example, we will decode the actions and motivations of a passive aggressive person.

Passive-aggressive people seem like angels in the beginning. But cross them once, they will get back at you in the nastiest and meanest possible ways. Those working with such people find it extremely frustrating to deal with their non-confrontational yet toxic ways. Here are eight signs that will help you identify a passive aggressive person and steer clear of them. [1]

They procrastinate

Procrastinating is their way of getting back at someone. Suppose you asked Manish for a favour. But if he doesn t want to oblige, he will not be upfront with you. Instead, he will wait until the last moment to tell you he won t be able to help. This is his way of teaching you a lesson for asking a favour from him. [2]

Starts sulking

When Manish is given some responsibility at work, he is not too excited about doing it. But he doesn't want to be assertive either, so he will resort to being sulky. Ask him what's wrong, and he either brushes it off or gives you the silent treatment. [2]

Deliberately does a bad job

Sabotage is truly their middle name. Manish has a natural flair for writing. You seek his help by asking him to draft an official letter for you. But he feels that you are deliberately trying to burden him with more work when he is already busy. So instead of politely refusing, he does a shoddy job, half-hearted job deliberately, thinking you may not seek his help again. [2]

Protests without justification

Passive aggressive people forever complain about being mistreated by people. Often, their allegations have no basis. They refuse to believe that they have any shortcomings of their own. Manish may endlessly complain to his confidante about a "bullying" boss or a friend without doing anything constructive to stop it. [2]

Claims to forget obligations

Meenakshi, Manish's colleague, asks him if she could borrow his novel. Manish is very possessive about his book collection but doesn t want to say no to Meenakshi. So he conveniently claims to have forgotten to carry the book to work the next day. Passive aggressive people use this excuse very often to get out of obligations. [2]

Resents constructive advice

Passive aggressive people think that even the most well-meaning comment is a jibe or an insult to their capabilities. If Manish's boss Laxmi gives him some constructive advice about how he could manage his time properly, he gets slighted and spends rest of the day sulking or complaining to his confidante. [2]

Obstructing work through sabotage

The ultimate weapon in the arsenal of a passive aggressive person is sabotage. After being denied his promotion, Manish believes that his teammates and his boss are targeting him for no fault of his. So he decides to pull out of an important presentation in the last minute, leaving his team members to fend for themselves. [2]

Has a problem with authority figures

Passive-aggressive people often scorn people who are in a position of authority, like a boss, a parent or even a spouse. Since they are brought up with the notion that aggression leads to problems, they will look for subtle ways to show their displeasure -- by complaining, sabotaging and giving back-handed compliments. In his marriage, Manish's wife is more assertive and a dominant person who is not afraid to speak her mind. In her presence, he does not have the courage to counter her or argue with her. So he decides to complain about her to his mother. This causes the relationship between his wife and his mother to sour. [2]

Dealing with them can be frustrating, you could keep a few things in mind when you have to live with passive aggressive people.

• Take their promises with a pinch of salt.
• If you have a passive-aggressive colleague, don't depend too much on them. Always have a backup.
• Be assertive with them.
• Call them out if they are being unreasonable. Passive-aggressive people usually are.
• If your loved one is passive aggressive, be gentle with them and win their trust. That way, they will be more direct with you.

References: 1. Whitson, S. (2013). The Passive Aggressive Conflict Cycle. Storms, 16. 2. Freeman, A., Pretzer, J., Fleming, B., & Simon, K. M. (1990). Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder. In Clinical Applications of Cognitive Therapy (pp. 291-304). Springer US.

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