Coping with the death of spouse: An expert tells you how

Coping with the death of a spouse is never easy, but not impossible says Dr Arun John.

Sandhya Raghavan | Published: May 22, 2017 5:54 pm

When you lose your partner to death, you don’t just lose a spouse; you lose a friend, a confidante and, in the cases of the truly blessed, a soul mate. You may have had your differences over in-laws, finances or parenting styles, but when life snatches your companion away for good, it can leave a terrible void in your life, the likes of which cannot be filled by anything or anybody else. Coping with the thoughts of overcoming your grief and feeling complete again may seem like a daunting task, but it is not impossible. Dr Arun John, executive vice president at the Vandrevala Foundation, discusses how one can overcome grief and achieve a semblance of normalcy after the death of one’s spouse.

There are two types of scenarios in which you may find yourself:
• Anticipated death of a spouse: In such cases, the person is mentally prepared to deal with the spouse’s death and can easily adjust to the bereavement stages. People who have lost their spouses after a long-drawn battle with a chronic illness like cancer eventually arrive at the acceptance stage relatively easily, but the grief may remain.
• Sudden death of a spouse: Cases where there has been a sudden death of the spouse, the person experiences extreme shock. There are physical and emotional repercussions to sudden bereavement. This can range from dizziness, nausea and palpitations to fear, anxiety and stupor. The route to emotional well-being for such people can be long and arduous. “If the cause of death is suicide, the family’s trauma will be more terrible,” says Dr John.

What happens after the death of the spouse?
Apart from the grief of losing the loved one, the surviving spouse has to deal with many ground realities.
• Suddenly, the living partner is faced with the prospects of taking care of the family alone. The financial burden, which was earlier shared equally between both the spouses, becomes the responsibility of the surviving spouse. In case the surviving spouse wasn’t the earning member, the sudden expectation to provide for the family can become daunting.
• When the wife dies, the husband has to take on the role of both the nurturer and the provider. The child who used to cling to his mother may expect the father to give it emotional support. It could be difficult for the man to suddenly fulfil the roles of both parents.
• If the child is very young, the surviving partner will also have to deal with its inquisitive questions about the whereabouts of the late spouse. Ideas like death may be too morbid for the child to understand.
• “People may exploit your fear and your situation. Expect insurancewalas and lawyers to knock on your door,” says Dr John.

What can you do to cope with the death of your spouse?
• Acknowledge your grief: According to the Kubler-Ross model, every person goes through the five stages of grief. The first thing to do is, let the grief settle in.
• Do not react: “The worst thing to do at such a juncture would be to let your emotions get the better of you. You are in no hurry to make any important decisions at this point,” says Dr John.
• Stop everything and be with your children: Your children may need you more than ever. They may also be struggling to make sense out of the situation. Share your grief with your children to heal faster.
• No need to discuss the future: At this moment, you need to be one with yourself. Stall any urge to make decisions for the future. Focus solely on acceptance and healing.
• Don’t hang on to the memorabilia: The sight of his glasses or his favourite shirt is bound to bring tears to your eyes, again and again. You could either keep them as a keepsake or throw them away. How you chose to deal with your spouse’s memorabilia is your decision, but do not hoard them for too long.
• Grief comes in bouts: “Anniversaries and birthdays will bring constant reminders of the spouse’s absence. Instead of making their memories about sadness and loss, do something positive in their honour, like distributing sweets at an orphanage or feeding the poor,” says Dr John.
• Remove triggers: If certain songs or things trigger thoughts of your spouse, stay away from them. Shift your focus towards happier memories and thoughts.
• Take professional help: In some cases, if the process of bereavement is long-drawn, don’t be ashamed to seek professional help. “Knock on your psychologist’s door or talk to your relatives. But be sure to stay away from the depressive ones,” adds Dr John.

When should one think about moving on?
It’s a romantic notion to live forever with the memories of the deceased partner. But when it comes to life, the ground realities are different. For financial, emotional and sexual needs, you may have to seek out another person. Take a second shot at love. It’s not wrong, but only you have the right to call the shots. Don’t let anyone frighten you or pressurise you into another marriage or discourage you from falling in love again. “If you start feeling comfy with another person, wait very carefully and don’t make any decisions in haste, lest they upset your apple cart any further,” says Dr John.

Image source: Shutterstock

Published: May 22, 2017 5:54 pm

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