Real life story: Vijay Nallawala talks to us about the highs and lows of bipolar disorder and how he triumphed over it
There is a famous quote by the renowned Japanese writer Haruki Murakami -- "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." That is exactly how it is for Vijay right now.
It was in the year 2003 when Vijay Nallawala's life took a U-turn. Everything till then was going fine, in fact, life was picture perfect, his business was flourishing, he was a successful entrepreneur and was in a secure zone both socially and financially. But something within him was taking a shift, of course, he didn't know about it till late. But his near and dear ones did notice that he was exhibiting a personality that wasn't quite him. Some of his crazy behaviour and reckless actions made his sister believe that something was amiss. "I was experiencing a high at that time, I was in a heightened mood, logic escaped my mind and little did I think about how my actions were affecting people. I took some reckless business decisions, spoke rudely to my clients and came up with some grandiose ideas which shocked many," he says.
His sister, Tejal tells us that he had ideas like buying a huge plot of land and housing the homeless kids or adopting some villages, while the idea sounds noble, surely they weren't in a position to do that right away. Even his financial decisions made his sister worry. "We had a Qualis and he bought another one which was not needed, his way with finances was making me feel that he wasn't in control of his thoughts," she says. Vijay tells me that he also used to make slides in his computer which read "Vijay owns planet earth."
Tejal though didn't know what was wrong with her brother but sensed that he needed help. But it was a task for her to convince her brother and mother that loss of financial control, grandiose ideation, talking without putting much thought to his words could be a medical problem. "Moreover I was in a denial, who in the world would say 'I have a problem,'" says Vijay. But he was lucky that the signs were picked up early and he received medical attention at the right time before things took a turn for worse. "Somehow Tejal convinced me and asked me to see a doctor and she made an appointment with Dr Maya Kriplani. Needless to say, I wasn't in the best of my moods; I was visibly restless and was blabbering throughout the entire journey. Once Dr Kriplani saw me, she said I was in the wrong place and I needed to visit a psychiatrist asap and not a psychologist. This hit me harder than I can explain. To say that I was shattered is to put it in a very mild way," recalls Vijay. On the very same day, they landed up at Dr Snehal Mehta's clinic in Santacruz. "There I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and was hospitalised too. I was on medications and drips. Tejal stayed by my side to take care of me going without food for two days in a row. There I was at my worst possible behaviour as I was in mania. I demanded her to be by my side and threw tantrums like a toddler who suffers from separation anxiety," he recalls.
Coming to terms
In his own words, Vijay describes his mania as, "the closest phase to madness." However, the mood stabilizers and medications helped him to come back to normalcy. "Only when the medications calmed me down which was probably after a week I realised that I suffer from a mental disorder and things might not be the same for me hereafter. The problem with a condition like bipolar disorder is that you keep oscillating between two moods depression and mania. So, once with mood stabilizers my mania passed, I did hit a low phase close to a depression. You can say that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. The things that I have done in mania state were coming back to me. I could not believe that I could be that person who could talk brash or be reckless with people. With bipolar the humiliation, the realisation comes later when you hit a low after being on a high. I was trying hard to come to terms with my diagnosis.
"You know there are certain things that are which intrinsic of a person, for me it was my never give up attitude. I stayed disciplined with my medication and slowly, steadily I did come to terms with my diagnosis and started living a much-balanced life," he says.
The feel-good factor which was not so good
Somewhere something in the back of his mind was still bothering him. On an impulse, Vijay decided to change his doctor. He refrains from taking the name of this second doctor and calls him the feel-good-doctor. "He made me believe that I had no illness and there was no such thing called as mood swings. It was just a mind game that I had to get over. Tell me which patient on earth would not want a doctor like that who says you have no illness," Vijay asks with a chuckle. However, his feel-good doctor did not stop his medications. "I was lucky, imagine if he would have put me off medication," he says. This was also the period of a lot of changes that happened in his life. He found himself a suitable partner, tied the knot and went through the ups and downs like most married couples that only made his relationship with his better half Khyati stronger. But the monotony of normalcy was not to stay with him for long and in the course of time other challenges came up with a vengeance.
"I decided to wrap up my business. I was expecting a baby too at that time and there were lots of things that were happening simultaneously in my life. Wrapping up the business was a blow to my family as everybody wondered how I would be able to get going with the finances. But I knew that the time had come to call it to quit. I had lost the passion and the zeal with which I once worked. I knew sooner or later I would disappoint my clients," he recalls. But this was just the bent of the road soon he tried his luck with insurance and had a successful stint for eight long years. In fact, he was one of the members of the million dollar roundtable.
But all this happened much later. After his marriage, while he was wrapping up the business and was about to welcome his daughter into the world, he hit a low phase. "It was a phase of tremendous turmoil. Sometimes I feel I wasn't even in the best of my moods during the most memorable moment of my life my daughter's birth. Of course, I was happy but my mood swings got the better of me," he recalls thinking of those blissful moments. But that was then, today the story is different. They are now a reflection of a happy family that stands by each other like a rock.
Somewhere down the line, Vijay knew that his feel-good-doctor wasn't doing him any good and soon he made a beeline to Dr Mehta. "My medications needed to be titrated and I don't need to mention I needed a person who would approach my condition scientifically and not ask me to see the world through rose-tinted glasses," he says. "I am still under medication, as a bipolar disorder doesn't have a cure. However, the doses now are quite low and I take it to keep my condition stable," he says.
Taming the demon
The matters of the mind are very tricky and once the connections in your brain go haywire a demon takes hold of you in no time. It takes more than just courage to tame that demon that is why they say surviving a mental illness is no mean feat. There is a famous quote by the renowned Japanese writer Haruki Murakami -- "When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about." That is exactly how it is for Vijay right now. "I think bipolar disorder changed me in more than one way. It helped me open up to various things both inwardly and outwardly. I became a changed person. If it was not for this condition, I wouldn't have transformed to be the person that I am today," he says looking at the positive side of it. Vijay admits that he had to put in some efforts to tame the demons within. "I never skipped my medication, I made sure I stay dedicated to my exercise schedule, I gave up alcohol 32 years back and never smoked. Meditation also helped a lot to stabilise my mood swings. Each time I come out of my meditation session I realise that I am at the heightened phase of creativity. I have made a pact with myself to live a disciplined life and not to falter from it. I realised it early that medication is just a part of managing bipolar disorder the other things that you do to help yourself stay balanced also matters, your lifestyle choices matters," he says.
The ups and downs
Mental illness can challenge your wit and willpower to the T. Despite his honest attempts Vijay did have flare-ups. "I think the last one was during 2008 when I threw a lavish party without any rhyme or reason. But I didn't take alcohol or go overboard with food. It was one of my episodes of mania. I went to meet Dr Mehta again and he told me obviously I am in a state of high. This high phase is particularly dangerous for a bipolar as in this phase one can either harm self or others. But again my luck, I landed up at the right time in the doctor's clinic to get my doses corrected," he says.
A condition like bipolar can break the best of us but Vijay is of a different league. Instead of cribbing "Why Me," he turned around the table and said "Why not US," well that is how he formed the Bipolar India Support group. His blog helped many come forward and share their stories. In a world where relationships become fragile and communication is done only through emoticons, Vijay helps many like him to connect, talk, build relationships and understand that pain, when shared, becomes a remedy like none. He tells me that, "Speaking to one survivor is equivalent to 10 therapy sessions." His bipolar disorder made him a learner for life. "I am very open to new therapies and advancements. That is how I keep myself motivated and learn about life. I realised that there is no point cribbing but the best thing is moving forward. If you ask me today how I feel I would say I am at my happiest phase, and no, this is not my mania state. But I am happy, secure and content in life. Of course, I take my medications on time and make sure I do my exercises and yoga."
Today he is the Founder and Chief Coach at AVC Consultancy and a digital storyteller. Concluding the interview he tells me, "Things do happen for good, if it wasn't for the bipolar disorder I wouldn't have been in this happy space where I am today. Who knows I would have been doing the same business and get caught in the rut of life." This positivity is something that his persona radiates and I can say this because he definitely brushed off a little positivism on me too.